faux saint valentine

I had come to believe that there was no such thing as Prince Charming, and that love was just a fantasy poor girls believed in so they had some kind of hope they wouldn't spend their lives alone. But then a good friend made me question - could it be possible that the men i had dated were someone else's Prince Charming, just not mine? (Please note - Jackie is currently pissing herself laughing at my semi-emo thoughts). Or better yet - have i been right all along that all men are after one thing, and one thing only?

-Moss

Jackie woke on a Sunny Valentine's day morning to the quiet snore of her pet seal Daisy - what a lovely morning to go to Fabio's to drop off their love child (Daisy is the love child of Fabio and Jackie - to think that Jackie had thought at some point that Fabio was worthy of sharing a love child with!) that they have shared custody of. Her biggest concern now was Daisy's growing addiction to pot as Fabio did not hold back from smoking infront of the love child (Daisy) - but at least Daisy was toned (Moss calls her butch) from her morning work outs with Fabio the six-packed stud. Jackie then spent the morning doing overtime as work (too many kids, not enough jackets) as she found avoidance the best option on the most romantic day of the year.

Moss, however, was still sound asleep dreaming of her Mr. Right.... now (the kind of boy you'd never bring home to mother). She finally arose to a mid-morning text message from Jackie 'Wanna get on it at lunch? Ha ha. Keep ur dates til night & let's get messy for Valentines ;)'. Moss could always count on Jackie for a classy lunch date instead of an awkward romantic Valentine's date (not that either of them had any offers!).

So off they went for a relaxing Rustic Platter and a bottle of wine with their dear friend Clifford. Jackie and Moss often turn to Clifford for a laugh and the odd piece of male advice - Clifford had a way of making them realise that not all men are Mustafa's. After lunch they all went to spend the afternoon at the beach - but soon enough grew sick and tired of all the loved-up couples dry-humping on the sand (Moss is singing 'I wanna have sex on the beach').

By the end of the day, Moss was still dateless and loveless and giftless - the only male who wanted to be her Valentine lived on the other side of the world (they say distance makes your heart grow fonder...!). Moss decided to join two of her dearest friends Jordanna and Monkey (who are another pair of happy f***ing long term lovers) to find Love in the Lord at church on her lonely Valentine's Day.

Jackie spent the night watching cartoons with a special friend who was also very cute.

So another day passed, leaving Jackie and Moss more and more bewildered by men - all they wanted for Valentine's day was for a guy to ask them to go for a walk or something out of the ordinary like that. Is it too much to ask for one of you to take us for a walk to the local servo for a tropical Calippo? My shout.

in the beginning...

TWO YEARS AGO...

Once upon a time there were two city girls who were down on their luck in love and believed that if they moved to a foreign land far, far away they would finally meet their tall, dark and handsome prince charming... how naive they were.

When Moss moved to the S.C, she spent her days in the sun at the beach. The future was bright for Moss, until she met Taylor at his gig. She was a sucker for xylophone players, and found his confidence (which she later discovered was cockiness) attractive.

Meanwhile, Jackie was a city girl, who left for the S.C following her heart... to later discover her lover’s heart lived in his groin. Fabio lacked substance yet radiated beauty – just ask him.

Moss and Jackie went on their merry way to create a life for themselves in this unknown land, and were destined to meet working for Cruella de Vil in fashion making coats out of innocent children. Moss and Jackie immediately hit it off over their dislike for children and attraction to pretty boys. Soon after this, Moss was heartbroken by Taylor who could not keep his snake in the cage and bonked half the S.C. Jackie decided to brighten Moss’ outlook on men by pairing her up with Skateboard P (a friend of the masculinely chiselled Fabio) to a charming charity ball. Was this Moss’ chance at meeting her true Prince Charming? Unfortunately pot heads didn’t rock her boat.


Meanwhile, Jackie was growing more and more into the woman she longed to be each day through her work of scalping children, but Fabio found greener pastures. Literally. Pot head.


Freshly single, Jackie and Moss were on the prowl, and with the help of the abundant night life on the S.C., it wasn’t long until Moss met Muscles. Muscles was vain but beautiful and was the perfect rebound for Moss... it lasted 3 weeks.

One day, Jackie took her pimped out Porsche down to her local mechanic for a check up – but it was Jackie who was in for service! Her incredibly sweet but plain mechanic lacked the skillz to keep Jackie entertained.

Soon after, Jackie has an epiphany that she could earn more money scalping children elsewhere on the S.C. As soon as she could, Moss moved to the new company to assist making leather coats out of soft, baby skin. At this new company, fellow co-worker Humpty Dumpty took a liking to Moss’ fit, youthful figure. He did not pursue Jackie as she did not remind him of the scantily-clad teenagers in the magazines he subscribed to. Moss successfully got him removed from the company for harassment. She then took a week off to emotionally recover at the beach. Jackie took this opportunity to score unrequired time off. You can imagine how that week went.

Moss was fortunate enough to have access to her parents S.C. Palace, where she held an intimate dinner with Jackie, Ken and Chad – these were far the prettiest of the pretty boys to date. Jackie half-arsed pursued King Ken until she got bored with his wash-board abs and mad skillz in the sac. Moss wondered why she never heard from Chad again – to later discover he also could not keep his snake in the cage. Poor long-term girlfriend of Chad heard of the news personally from Moss.

Oops – left one out. Moss had been seeing Zachary the servant – it was her little secret as she was ashamed of his low ranking in the social ladder. Over time, Moss discovered that Zachary had not only 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, but FIVE other full time girls – including a prostitute. After this, Moss took some time out from men, and put her focus into work and buying a palace of her own.

Jackie had decided that men of her own age weren’t up to the job... and went in discovery of someone more ‘mature’. As he had two children of his own, this didn’t work well, as, Jackie was too tempted to scalp them, and refused to be their role model. She had to cut old man from her life, which resulted in Jackie being very confused about what age was too old, and what age was too young?

They decided to take a trip to the middle east, and met an Israeli who later illegally migrated to the S.C. Moss and Israeli became good friends, and Moss supported Israeli when he was heartbroken by a Chlamydia-ridden albino. Where Israeli came from, respect wasn’t practiced and Moss started to grow tired of this friendship. Israeli will remain a distant beach friend for now.

With numerous trips to distant land, and Moss turning to God for answers - Jackie and Moss are still lost for love and wish any women well with their previous mistakes. Will they every find their Prince Charming?

To be continued...